I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
