i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
