just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
