the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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