My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
