Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
