I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
