at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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