He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
