They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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