You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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