It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
