it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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