if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You need Xanax blowdarts
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
