Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
