RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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