So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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