i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
