I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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