How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
