I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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