i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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