conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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