I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
