and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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