This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
