First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
