sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We're too hungover to prance.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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