glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
