when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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