Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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