You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
