I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
