Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
