i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
