so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
