party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
