Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Less talking, more tequila
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
