it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
