Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
