Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
