Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
