Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
