my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
