this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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