Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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