she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
