Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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