My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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