Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize