She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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