Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
