pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
