It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
