i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
