i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
