I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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