I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
