he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You were trust falling into bushes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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